Lost Voice

Sometimes a biological explanation--I screamed so much I damaged my throat/vocal cords--makes sense. It might also be the case, though, that psychoanalysis can add layers of explanation that are helpful. It might say something about how the experience of loss of voice is subjectivized or experienced, how I arrange it. I find this likely because I am preoccupied with my lost voice. I'm enjoying it, in all its sore inconvenience, in the strange harsh whispers I strain to produce. Why?

Even though I'm not talking, my voice or laryngitis is getting worse. I can't help but think about Mladen Dolar's discussion of the voice as neither that of the subject or the Other but as something that sticks in between. What might this mean?

It might mean that in losing my voice I am also losing/have lost the Other's voice. But which Other? My kids?--they are now with their father and I won't see them for about 10 days. Is my lost voice marking somehow the loss of their voices?

Or, on Monday I have to run a meeting as a chair of a major standing committee for the first time. In losing my voice, am I marking my failure or inability to function as this kind of big Other? am I marking its lack? embodying it?

Or, on Tuesday, I start teaching again. Does my lost voice mean that I don't want to teach, don't want to speak to these Others, to provide a vehicle of embodiment of the teaching voice, the professing voice, a voice that will have to interact with them in all their questioning, their needs, their ambivalences?

Or, on Wednesday we leave for APSA. I'm serving on three panels--one that involves the call and conversion. I'm chairing this. Stanley Cavell was supposed to, but other commitments required him to cancel. I'm actually the fourth or fifth person they asked to fill his place. I don't read Cavell, so the panel is out of my archive. Yet, voice emerges as a theme in some of the papers. Am I embodying the way that I don't experience myself as having a voice in this context, that not only do I have nothing to say, but that I don't have a position from which not to say it?

It's likely that my voice will be back by Monday. And this speaks as much to the biological explanation (it got better) as to the psychoanalytic--I usually 'work things out' in advance--or, embody them after the fact. The last time I lost my voice was when Zizek came to HWS. Yes, the hoarseness was likely because of the work of a two day conference, the constant talking, the late nights. But, I think it was more. I think that I lost my voice because he was there speaking and I didn't want to speak in a voice that I was afraid would not be heard as my own, that would be heard as a weak echo, a semblance or impersonation, of his.

Comments

[rosane Yates]

"Doctors, Sprites and Big Others"

I can relate to Jodi, as she wrote about her voice loss "gripe". Just like her, I have so many new things going on in my life at the moment, situations in which I need my voice.
I have recently started teaching Spanish to children at my local school and I think all those "Fantástico, Escuchad, Mira and Olé" are beginning to catch up with me, together with the use of big-mouthed puppets( that's sheer irony!),toy donkeys and parrots (I know, not many parrots in Spain; it's just a reflection of being Brazilian, I suppose). Not to mention dealing with inadequate behaviour, sometimes, in classes of 30 or more...all that might be taking its toll on my precious vocals.
Losing your voice can be as frustrating as being in a room full of snobs who think they can ignore you. Maybe less infuriating, though!
Anyway, just now that I have come back from the Mediterranean lands with lots of school links which are going to enable my "little angels" to communicate with Spanish children and help them connect their learning with the real world.
To cap it all, I am supposed to be talking about my new venture during assembly next Monday for the very first time!
Like Jodi, I wonder if I'm not subconsciously (or psychosomatically) trying to sabotage my own plans, my "Big Other", as she says. Am I scared of success? I hope not. Funny enough, or not, I'd even thought to myself "little me doing assembly? Never." Silly, I know.
Despite all my silence and a happy moaning-free hubby, my voice has shown little improvement. Upon seeing a doctor, I was told nothing can be done before five to six weeks of hoarseness!!! Is this a joke? I think what she meant was "as long as there is no green, grimy sprite look-alike creature climbing out through my windpipe, I might be ok". Well, I'd say: "Trust a doctor" is the name of the game( c'mon, don't tell me you've never felt the same about a doc- and no, I do not mean in a romantic way!-). After all, when you've asked for a "drink" you do not expect to receive a candid-eyed, ugly looking thing, no matter how harmless it proves to be in the end. Oh, I like that advert,sorry!
Nevertheless, I have decided to be positive, which is an amazing achievement for an irrecoverably pessimistic lady like me. Hooray!!!
I have decided that everything is fine, excuse me for the common say, but I should agree that the universe is conspiring to work in perfect harmony with my best self. And my best self accepts the "Big Other"(doesn't it, Jodi?), because it knows that I am a successful and clever human being. It knows I deserve the best, hence I deserve to be well. My best self is healthy and has no space for voice loss. It's my best self who takes over and has absolute control of my body and soul. Amen.
Bla, bla, bla, boring real stuff about me. I am aware that I may be blowing things out of proportion. After all, it could be just another bout of acute laryngitis-let's say it is-However, ingenously I hope that if any of you out there, are feeling down and out for some reason, I'd suggest looking for your best self before desperately trying to find your voice or whatever you're looking for.
Also, make sure you get the right "sprite" or ditch that doc!