Graduation
Another colleges' employee asked me the other day if I was going to graduation. I tried to remain noncommittal, "we'll see," "pretty busy," "I sometimes go." He was impassive enough for me to presume criticism and disappointment, to feel guilty. Then he said that really graduation was more for us than the students, the way that we break with them, close off not just the year but relationships to them as students that have built up over four (or more) years.
I've been caught in my own reveries, likely a turn to melancholy so as to avoid the grading that still isn't done. I've labeled what I feel as 'envy' but I don't think that is quite right. Still, I envy the seniors this time that seems to be completely free, completely pleasurable. Nearly a week of organized festivities and disorganized debauchery--hot air balloon rides, champagne toasts, dinners, barbecues, parties, fireworks, and celebrations. No responsibilities.
This might be just a fantasy. There might be worries about what happens now. But many have jobs, graduate school, and internships lined up. Some are headed directly to vacations. So these days may really be an interlude of freedom from responsibility.
But maybe not. I see the faces of the seniors as they walk the campus with their families. It's as if their families reinscribe them with identities they have tried to shed: the hippy kid accompanied by high strung Wall Street-type parents; the conservative prep trailed by over-dressed, insecure, overweight parents; the feminist with her father, his trophy wife, and their infant twins in a double-wide stroller. For all the celebration in the air, the families are like cracks in the surface, reminders that responsibility starts Monday, responsibility for the past as well as the future.
And I can't decide if I want this interlude really to be a time of freedom or if I want simply to pretend, to revel in the fantasy of such a time. My graduation didn't feel free at all. I cried most of the week. Although I had been accepted into graduate school, I wasn't excited about going. I wanted to work a year in NYC but didn't have a job. I felt like an idiot who knew nothing, who hadn't read or learned much at all. I knew that my friends and I would grow apart and this made it difficult to focus on the summer of travel I would be beginning in a couple of weeks. So I wonder what function the fantasy plays for me as I drive my kids' from piano recitals to band competitions, squeezing in the laundry, glancing too quickly through the articles I have to summarize in the introduction to another issue of the journal, and seeing in the low exam grades clear indications of my inadequacies as a teacher. What would it be like to have none of this at all?



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